Passing through sorrow

One of the most painful aspects of this "journey" is the loneliness! The isolation! The "wasting away," it seems, of months and years of opportunities! (I experienced that FOR YEARS before I married...and now I'm experiencing it again.) It just seems like such a WASTE!

The point about "Love not your life" is well-taken. Those are the Lord's words. This ISN'T the "heaven on earth" I imagined. It's hell. (And trying to make it heaven leads only to excess, selfishness and disappointment.) "He who seeks to save his life shall lose it" -- meaning, he must GIVE IT ALL UP for Christ's sake -- "while he who loses his life, for my sake, shall find it, even unto eternal life."

And what is that? What is "life"?

Whatever brings joy to the Gods -- and, believe me, I think I know what that is -- is NOT of this world. 

I remember "walking in the clouds," as it were, after I was baptized by fire and the Holy Ghost. I was filled with righteous enthusiasm, light and love, revelation, power and holiness, even to do divine things. What got me there? Maybe I'm a little fuzzy now...or unwilling to admit it (because my behavior, comportment and attitude now fall far short). But I read the scriptures CONSTANTLY. I prayed CONSTANTLY. I served wholeheartedly and unselfishly CONSTANTLY. It helped that I was at BYU...and on a mission...because I had STRUCTURE and ROUTINE and SUPPORT (even if many of those around me actually DESPISED and HINDERED what I was doing). Still, there were many others (like you) who were faithful and supportive.

I cannot fathom what "purpose" is served by my being estranged from my wife and children now. Why must they grow up without me, without their husband and father? Why can't I BE THERE with them always? Why must I (and they) be "dishonored" so? Why must we be "ashamed"? 

Why can't we have our family back?

I don't know.

For me, the gospel of Jesus Christ is "NEVER give up!" We saw in the latest election (for those who are Trump supporters) how deliciously relevant that is. MIRACLES happen! (That's the ONE bright spot in all this -- hollow as it may be, inasmuch as what good does it do to gain the whole world if one loses his own soul? At least SOMETHING seems to be going right in the world SOMEWHERE. For the longest time, it was a famine of all things "good." Are the people repenting?)

Meanwhile, I'm in the dark. I've lost ALL my motivation. It's not that I don't WANT to work or that I CAN'T work (at something). It's not that I can't find someone else to love or start over with, etc. It's "Why?" Why would I want to? 

I would almost rather just sit here and starve myself to death. That's how little I care now. About ANYTHING.

I used to have this grandiose "vision" that I was BUILDING something! A family! Zion! An eternal marriage! Eternal life!

Now what? It's all ruin. My "bucket" has been overturned unexpectedly and now my children are being poured out onto the sand. They're going their own ways, in different directions. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY! We were SUPPOSED to be a TEAM!

But my "assistant" quit! And took the team with her. She's "coaching" them now. And it's an entirely different "sport." They don't even practice what I taught them. 

Frankly, I don't want to be a coach without her. Our team needs US! I don't see how this is supposed to work now. What am I supposed to do? I've lost my team! 

I'm not materialistic. I can't just "throw myself into work" and forget about it. I don't seek for wealth...except to support my family and others. And they don't want me...except maybe just for my income...and for what money can buy them. (And that REALLY puts a damper on things, for me, I'll tell you. You buy a kid a motorcycle...and spend THOUSANDS of dollars doing it...and not a day after he comes home from his first day of riding, he says "For Christmas I want [an even better bike]!" 

Not "I just want my dad back." 

Nobody -- except the littlest one -- wants Dad back.

I'm glad Jesus had Mary to embrace Him as He exited the tomb. He was weeping just a few days before, bereft of ALL His friends and family, those whom He had loved and served His whole life. He had tried to rally them! But He KNEW they would not come. Almost ALL would abandon and betray Him.

Of course, all of this is relevant to us -- even if, unlike Him, we aren't perfect...and are "responsible" for many of our sorrows (because of our many failures and "crimes"). We must pass through the sorrow (as He did) so that we might know a fulness of joy (as He did). 

Thus we become like Him.

We must walk where He walked and do even as He did. And, to some extent, that means suffering even as He suffered. (There is a suffering -- the suffering of the damned -- that we need not suffer, if we repent. That's because He already atoned for our sins. We can be "saved".) 

(Maybe that's a clue for me...about what I yet lack.)

Still, EVERY foundation of my life (except for my belief and faith in Him) is being shaken and destroyed. EVERY support is being removed: my promise of carnal security, my immediate friends and family, my self-respect (due to loss of job and family and faith and affiliation). ALL of it. I have NOTHING left to be proud of or to be comforted by. I am bereft. (Except maybe for my dad. He calls me once in awhile...and kicks my ass...and tells me to "buck up" and "get on with your life" and "get a job!" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself" etc., etc. He's a good "cheerleader".)

Even so, I still have a pillow on which to lay my head. (A rather nice pillow actually. Several, in fact.) So I'm not ENTIRELY bereft. (Jesus didn't have that, as I recall. What a God! Such faith! Such dependence on Heaven for His support! What POWER He received in return!)

Maybe that's ANOTHER clue. (I would forsake ALL if God just gave me the word.) But I don't KNOW His word -- His DIRECT word -- to me.

My love of this world -- love for wife, for children, for everything I had (and still have) -- keeps me "transfixed" here and now and, perhaps, makes me unable to do what God (perhaps) would have me do. I don't mean to be pretentious or presumptive. I have no great "gifts" that I know of -- no healing, no prophecy, no wisdom -- to impart to anyone. I can't fly through the sky or minister salvation. I'm no prophet. I haven't been sent or even "saved" (in the perfect sense) myself. And if I were sent, even now, I'd be "unworthy" and "unclean". Jesus hasn't ministered to me and said "Be thou clean. I make thee whole again." 

I'm broken. And I've always been broken. Even if I weren't "broken," I'm familiar enough with myself to know that I'd soon be broken. (He's ALWAYS finding ways to strengthen and improve me...by showing me my weaknesses!)

Still, despite inklings of greater things, I don't want to leave what I have now: father, mother, wife and children, lands, gold, etc. I feel "attached" to them and I WANT them. I want my family to be with me -- as Lehi wanted his wife and children to be with him! 

I beckon, but they do not come. I call, but they do not answer. Who am I that they should "follow" me? I am NOTHING and NO ONE in whom ANYONE should trust. I seek Him...and would urge EVERYONE to do likewise.

Seek Jesus.

I just wish my family were coming with me. I love them. And miss them.