BBQ

You may have wondered why I haven't posted lately.

I don't know if I'm "steak" destined for the meat grinder or if I'm hamburger destined for the barbeque. Either way, I'm going through a tortuous experience right now that is both redefining and reshaping who I am, "remaking" me into what I will become (for good or evil). 

It's not a pleasant experience. It's not comfortable. It's not enjoyable. I don't like it! I weep and wail and mourn nearly every day.

But it's necessary.

EVERYTHING I believe in (or believed) is being challenged. EVERY support I've built up, received or depended upon throughout my life is being threatened and withdrawn. EVERY relationship I've known has been (or is being) tested. The very concepts, constructs and organizations I've thought to be "of God" have been shown (to me, in many cases) to be of my own imagination, or to be subject to my own misapprehensions. 

"My way," I've been forced to conclude, is NOT the "highway to heaven." 

Rather, just the opposite: it's the road to hell.

I've been reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 not by the teachings of men, but by my own experience: by tasting the bitter fruit of my -- yes -- my misdeeds and misapprehensions. 

Haven't we all (those of us who have thought to "embrace the light" and "follow the Lord") assumed that we were doing "right" -- after reading the scriptures, pondering, praying, etc. -- that we were going to be "blessed," even "rewarded" -- if not here, then certainly hereafter -- because we were doing God's will, being guided by His Spirit?

And, yet, what if we were wrong? 

(You can see, as an aside, the necessity of "sin" -- of "making an experiment on the word," both for good and evil, to test and try the claims of both God and the devil, to see which one bears "fruit" -- and what kind of fruit? and how does it taste? and is it worth the price paid? Without sin (and experimentation) there is no knowledge and, thus, no power to choose, no agency, no accountability, no growth. But, as I said, that's an aside to this post.)

As the man who excommunicated me said -- just before he said, "Why do we even need the Holy Ghost when we have a living prophet?" -- "What if your Holy Ghost is different from my Holy Ghost?"

Indeed.

What if what we perceive to be "of God" is not of God? What if (as Joseph Smith is reported to have said...and I'm paraphrasing here): "Some revelations are of God, some are of men, and some are of the devil"? What if what we think to be "of God" -- because of our earnestness, sincerity, supposed humility and seeking after truth, our willingness to submit to all things whatsoever the demands of seeking truth inflict upon us -- what if what we think to be "true" is still of man or of the devil? What if what we "know" to be "true" is, in fact, false? (That is why my friend Log asserts to "know" only that which he has experienced for himself. How else can one truly know anything? Isn't all other "knowledge" mere belief?)

Then ought we not tread lightly with the "knowledge" of others? What do we "know" ourselves? 

Very little.

Can it be, like the people of Alma, enslaved by the people of Amulon (see Mosiah, chapters 23 and 24) that our hearts (or our intentions) can be "right," even as our thoughts, words and deeds may still be "wrong": wrong enough to require humiliation of the sort to which "righteous" Alma and his people were subject (and to which they ultimately meekly submitted) for God's sake?

I would suggest that, for most of us (me, included) our "errancy" is not only a possibility, but (with few exceptions) a practical reality.

It is not only likely that we are "wrong"...and must be punished and humiliated, even as we strive to humble ourselves. It is necessary. It is unavoidable. For none of us is "like unto God" (yet). And all of those who would be as God (and with Him) must pass through this crucible, this refiner's fire, this grinder. 

Alma and his people, while seeking truth, nonetheless had been raised in sin and error. Their false traditions, vain ideas, material supports and "haughtiness" had to be broken. And they were willing to be broken, for God's sake.

If you think you are "steak," you will be shown to be hamburger! And if you think you are "hot stuff," you will be introduced directly to the flame!

I don't know where I am going now. I really don't. I don't know what I will do or where I be or what I will become (if anything) hereafter. (I don't even know where I will be living...or with whom...next week!) 

This is God's work. Either He does it -- or it won't get done. Because whatever I do -- of myself, without His authorization and support -- will come to naught and will ultimately pass away, whether it be relationships, houses, businesses, beauty, might or dominion. It will all turn to dust and be done away -- unless it is saved and preserved by Him. 

Much of what I thought was true has been shown (to me) to be false. Families aren't forever. There is one Family that is forever: the family of God. He, alone, has the power to save and preserve His family (including us, if we belong to it and to Him). Otherwise, all the kingdoms of this world -- all associations, contracts and connections, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people -- by whatever power or "authority" established and connected -- will come to naught and pass away, even as grass, or as branches of the vineyard, destined to be lopped off and burned.

It's His way...or the highway to hell. This mortal "experiment" is provided to teach us by our own experience to choose good from evil, to learn that our way doesn't work. (The sooner we learn that, the better!)

There are those who are beguiled into thinking that riches, comforts and "blessings" -- the "fruits" of living "the good life" -- are symbols of success; that they've "made it" once they "have it all": the "trophy" wife (or "perfect" husband), a "quiver full" of children (or not!), the "perfect" job, a fully-funded IRA, that "dream" house, boat, etc.

All these things, at best, will come to naught. This world will end and, with it, EVERYTHING IN IT. "Surely you will have your reward," Jesus warned those who would mount up treasures on earth. Indeed, those who seek after the substance of this world are destined to "cycle, rinse and repeat," worlds without end. The same spirit that possesses them in this world will have power to possess them in the world to come. They will get what they want. Everlastingly. (See Alma 34:34.)

And they will be in "hell" (like we are now, where Obama reigns and people war and squabble over nothing) continually! And they won't even know it!

Always it is given to us to seek after the things of God's world (for He remembers even those of us in "hell") to invite us to do things His way. This world (hell) mocks heaven and repudiates all things divine, pointing the finger of scorn at everything God does, in His way. The world sees His work as abject failure. (Or no "work" at all: a "godless" universe!)

Jesus was the ultimate "failure" to those without eyes to see.

So I've ventured forward a bit and told you where I see myself: someone on the track toward God; enmired (yet) in sin (rebellious, prideful, self-willed, ignorant, lazy). I'm (probably) practically useless to God now, as is. (Except to set a "poor" example...or be a "good" example of what not to do or become or follow. At least, that's what my wife and children tell me!)

I am destined, if I continue down this path, to "lose" everything I've "gained" in this world. (At least I hope so!) I do not aspire to be rich, only pure. I do not aspire to be popular, only holy. 

Yes, I would like to be loved. Loved by everybody! 

But I'd rather be loved by God and have His approval, His approbation, if it means that I am (finally) following in the "right" course.

I don't know where that "course" is, other than to keep the commandments of Jesus (see Matthew 5-7, etc.). I've repented (as best I know how to repent) and I've confessed everything of note "worthy" to confess beyond the common lot of man. I've been baptized (and re-baptized!) to show heaven and earth my willingness to follow Christ. I've borne witness of the truth (as I've understood the truth) and I've sought to bear the burdens of others, even my "foes". (See Matthew 10:36.)

It's a start. 

Other than that, I'm "lost." 

I pray God "finds" me and saves me. I am asking, seeking and knocking.

That's all I can do.