Why?

"Why all the hate, Brother Carter? Why you always "dissing" on the Mormon Church and complaining about its leaders, etc.? Why can't you just focus on your own sins and shortcomings instead of exposing the faults of others? Why are you so angry? So hurt? So confused?"

Because when you've been led by a "shepherd" who claims to have "loved" you and to have "looked after" you...and you find that you've been led astray and you have been lied to and abused by him because of your confidence in him, then you feel betrayed and cheated and hurt. And you want to warn EVERYBODY about him and the organization he follows (which is NOT the Lord or His organization).

"But Brother Carter, surely you are a sinner! Surely YOU have gone astray, not him! Not the organization he represents! If YOU weren't so immoral, so deceived, so degenerate, you would be able to see the truth and not be led astray! Surely we are right for shunning you, for excluding you from our midst, for defriending you and divorcing you. Otherwise you would infect us with your influence, your bad example and your false doctrine!"

Well, I can't deny that. I am a sinner. I suffer every sabbath day forlorn and heartbroken, without my friends and family. I can hardly take up the scriptures to read them or offer prayer. My tongue is like mud in my mouth. My eyes dare not look up to Heaven, even as I weep. 

"What is God doing? Why have You forsaken me?"

I have not hidden my sins in darkness nor buried my transgressions from before men. My closest friends and family know every one of them. I have revealed them...not because I have to...but because I cannot lie. I will not lie. I will not be a hypocrite. I will not be dishonest or untruthful.

So help me God.

Nevertheless, I am mortal and frail and failing. By confessing my sins I have gained power over them. I do not live in darkness any longer. By the power of Christ, my love for Him and His love for me, I have confidence and have received strength to confess my sins and overcome them. I am no longer tempted by them! I am no longer subject to them. I am no longer a sinner (in that thing).

God has worked (and is working) His miracle...in me.

But, by so doing, I have lost the companionship of (most of) my friends and family, who are ashamed of me. 

Unlike some who speak of standing in God's presence, I sit in darkness, wondering what will become of me. I have lost all the "loves" of my life.  Everything I ever hoped for or dreamed of (it's a short list: wife and family of my own) is blasted!

They were my "idols" apparently. 

"He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37.)

I confess, I love my wife as much as I love myself! As much as I love God! (Is that a sin, too?)

I'm not concerned about God. I know He lives. I know He loves me. 

But I don't know if I'm "saved" by Him, however. I once did. I once felt so overwhelmed with love for Christ and love from Him that I never doubted we would be "together" forever. (It took a formidable Church -- with its lists of ever-expanding commandments and impossible-to-ever-fully-meet requirements and ever-necessary "approval" of men to beat that prospect out of me, almost for good, they replacing my God with themselves and their works and words.)

That recognition is not much solace to me now. To rectify my course, I had to take a stand and, taking that stand (including confessing my sins) required me to "piss off" (or hurt) almost everyone I know, including those I love most.

And now I've lost them, too.

My sabbaths are observed in loneliness now, if at all, while those I know and love go to church and sing songs of Zion and offer prayers and praise and thanks to God and claim to love Him and their brothers and sisters.

Just not me. I'm not worthy of their fellowship or their friendship...or even to be included in their family, apparently.

"You deserve it," I've been told. "You brought this upon yourself."

Thanks. I know I'm not alone.

There are those who have done what I have done (and worse!), but who refuse to admit it. They now stand where I stood. They are "set up," even "delivered"! (See Malachi 3:15.)

I do not wish to contemplate their fate. I try not to judge them. I only know that all this will not have been worth it (to me) unless I press forward now and obtain the prize. (See 1 Corinthians 9:24.) 

If I don't have fellowship with Christ in this life and fail to be sealed to Him after all this, then all is vain.