A pasta, see?

The manager of the local steak house kicked me out recently.

“You’re fired!” he announced at the hastily gathered company meeting.

“Fired? You can’t ‘fire’ me! I’m not one of your employees! I’m a customer! Been a faithful patron of this wonderful establishment for the better part of 37 years!”

“Not anymore.”

“What do you mean ‘not anymore’? What did I do?”

“This is a steak house. You embraced a pasta. See?” He showed me something I’d written to friends and posted publically about recent changes to the menu and management. I didn’t see anything about a pasta there.

“I was just giving feedback. I was just trying to be helpful. Most people don’t even read the old menu anymore! They don’t even know what we used to eat! They’ve never experienced real food!”

“We don’t need your help with the menu! You’re not in charge here!”

“I never said I was in charge. I don’t even want to be in charge. I just come here for the meat…the quality of which, by the way, has gone way down since portions were “standardized”, operations were changed, the menu was "simplified" – pared down to 72 items and, then, recently, just to five. Now about all you serve is milk!”

“See! You’re a critic! We don’t need your kind around here!”

“Have you even looked at the menu lately? You’ve discontinued serving food we always got under the Original Management! Those were delicious meals, too! Full of nutrients! And tasty! Now you don’t even serve what we’re supposed to eat.”

“What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

I thought his reference to that 70’s and 80’s show about “different strokes for different folks” was ironic, given his management’s “one-size-fits-all” mentality.

“I’m talking about lots of things. For starters, not that long ago we ate bread and wine with our main course. Now you just serve bread and water. Why’d you change that?”

“You mean, other than to save money, keep the priests from embibing, and make it easier to clean up?”

“Yes, other than that.”

“Well, back in 1920s, because of Prohibition, the U.S. government stopped issuing Spirit Licenses. So, to go along to get along (just like we did with polygamy), we eliminated the Spirit. Made everything easier. Wine…water…what’s the difference? It’s all good! Management says we can serve anything we want, so long as we give them something to eat and something to drink, to remember our Founder by. I’ve got it written down here somewhere….” He fumbled through his rule book. “Besides, we still charge 10%. And the people still pay it! No one’s complaining…except you.”

“I’m not complaining. I don’t even mind paying the 10%. Always have. But I thought the Founder wanted to keep that 'bread and wine' tradition going until….”

“We’re the management now! The customer gets what we decide to give him…and nothing else!”

“Okay...look...this is still my favorite restaurant.  I don’t want to cause problems and I don’t want to go anywhere else. I’ve been bringing my wife (and, now, my seven children) here every Sunday since we got married 14 years ago! And I came for decades before that! We like it enough to come several times a week!”

“Not any more! Your money’s not welcome here. I’ve given instructions for the cashiers not to accept it. In a year you can re-apply for membership…and maybe we’ll let you back in…if you’ve learned your ‘lesson’.”

“My ‘lesson’?! What’d I do that was so bad?”

“You tried to sit in the front with your family when we told you to sit in the back! We told you to keep quiet, but you kept talking and writing about your “experiences” with the Founder and disrupting other patrons with your “stories” about controversial items we’ve long since dropped from the menu. Others just wanted to be left alone…or get some sleep! But you wouldn’t let them! Then you bad-mouthed the current management. We’ll have none of that! The last thing we need is for customers to start asking for stuff we no longer serve!”

“I did no such thing! Well…maybe…I did offer a few suggestions.”

“No one asked you for suggestions! No one around here wants to hear your suggestions! If we want you to talk, we’ll tell you what to say! This business was going gang-busters before you got here and it’ll do just fine now that you’re leaving! If there are any changes to be made, those decisions will come from the top, not from you!”

“No disrespect intended, but isn’t there somebody ‘higher up’ I can appeal to?”

“Who do you think told me to kick you out?”

“Oh. I see. But what’s my family going to do now? What will they eat? Where will they go? What am I supposed to tell them? ‘Keep on eating’, even though I’m no longer welcome here? While I just sit and watch?”

“Yep! That’ll teach ’em to mind their manners, too. Maybe if you had some, you wouldn’t be in this predicament….”

“Alright...that’s enough! I was practically starving here on bread and water anyway. Ever since this place became a “chain” and adopted a “corporate” menu – and got rid of the spirit, I might add – things just haven’t been the same. It’s all monotonous, vacuous fare now, mostly “filler”. The same meal, over and over again. We used to come and spend the whole day here! Enjoying one…even two meals a Sunday! And the menu was always changing, depending on who was cooking that day. Always something new! And the singing…oh, the singing! It wasn’t The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, mind you, but...it was inspiring! Now it’s just….”

“Okay, buddy, we’re not that same local steak house you remember as a kid. We’re a global enterprise now. We’re a Fortune 500-sized corporation, with millions of customers and billions of dollars in revenues each year. You're just a "drop in the bucket"! Our company president has his own private jet...he owns the whole company, too...not you, don't you know? We've got a well-compensated board of directors, trademarks, a whole slew of lawyers, PR people, marketers and image producers to help us “package” our “product”. To insure quality control we “standardize” the menu, give our customers only limited choices, issue handbooks full of rules and regulations. We control everything! We even have our own “in-house” distribution network! It's a well-oiled machine. Either you stick with the program…or you’re out! (Or I lose my franchise, see?) Nothin’ personal, Willis. I mean, I’ve known you for more than 37 years...since we were boys, in fact. But now I have my orders….”

I’ve visited the place a few times since we had that conversation. I’ve watched my wife and children sample the food. They don’t seem too interested. Neither does anyone else. I’ve looked over the menu. It’s a bland and unappetizing diet. Mostly left-overs and “by-the-book” recipes written by others. The children get place mats and crayons to color with. Nothing new to chew on, get excited about or hard to digest. 

The original, creative Chef (I'm told) hasn’t been seen around here for years. (I hear He may be working with someone else now.) Word has it the Original Management was bought out, too. Or worse.

You can stop by and check it out for yourself.

There’s an empty seat.