Giving Up

You may be wondering how Thursday night’s meeting with the stake president went! (I’ve been asked.)

It never happened.

That was entirely my fault. After he wrote me to confirm our appointment, I wrote him back:

Thank you, President Morris, for agreeing to meet with me tomorrow night. I have written the following to indicate what I hope to accomplish by our meeting.

Respectfully,  

--Will Carter

In pressing the “send” button, I actually felt a glimmer of hope surge through my soul! At last I would get my questions answered! And, perhaps, even reconcile my differences with the stake president.

Oh, foolish man that I am!

He promptly wrote back:

Brother Carter,

I have read your blog. If what you hope to accomplish by meeting with me is a "battle", you will be disappointed. We have scheduled time to meet with you, but if you are coming to argue, debate and contend with us, you may want to make other plans. 

Best, 

Matt Morris

That broke my heart. Clearly he does not know me. If he “read” my blog, he didn’t understand it.

Now, it is true, I am a fighter. “Back in the day” -- when I was a kid -- fights on the playground were commonplace (unlike today). I mean, I got in fights all the time. (“Every day” may be an exaggeration...but not by much!) Can you imagine? We had “knock-down”, “drag-out” fights in school! I broke my foot once blocking a kick from some guy. I nearly got knocked out once from a sucker punch while getting on the bus! And I “hand-delivered” more than a few bloody noses and black eyes. “Fighting”, amazingly, just seemed like a normal thing to do growing up! I don’t know why.

I never fight now. At least not physically. (Not that I couldn’t!) In college I threw a snowball at a fellow about 30 yards away and hit him square in the face. Splat! He got up and got ahold of me and, despite my apologies, punched me hard on the nose. There was blood. I didn’t hit him back, though. I was truly sorry.

Nowadays, when I think of all the harm I’ve done, the hurt I’ve caused, the mistakes I’ve made (and make), I try to tell myself “let it go”. When my kids break another piece of furniture or equipment…let it go. When that guy cuts me off on the freeway…let it go. When a student accuses me of having an excessively affectionate relationship with my mother….let it go.

I’ve still got a long ways to (let it) go.

I wrote back President Morris (what I considered to be) a “nasty” letter. In the interest of full disclosure, I include it here. (I don’t want anyone to think that I’m a “holier-than-thou” saint. I have my “Captain Moroni” moments.) Here it is:

No, I planned to "come in peace". I needed to know why I was excommunicated. But I have since received clarity on that matter.

I also wanted to know what you expected me to "do" to regain full fellowship with the saints. But after considering that question further, as well, I don't think there is anything more I can do. I can't (or won't) trust my "salvation" to mere men. And I can't "repent" of something I haven't done.

You have made me "an offender for a word, and [laid] a snare for him that reproveth in the gate, and turn[ed] aside the just for a thing of naught" (2 Nephi 27:32). You have trifled with the souls of men, putting my family at great risk.

The Lord judge between you and me, Matt Morris. That you would excommunicate me as you did destroyed every confidence I had in your leadership. That loss of confidence could be restored. But I see no evidence that you are willing to do anything toward that end. That's unfortunate, because I considered you my friend.

I will do my best to raise my children in righteousness in the Church until you (or your kind) find a way, perhaps, to excommunicate them, too.

I hope that you will reconsider your ways, lest in a future day you be judged by the same standard you have used to judge (and condemn) me.

Thank you for scheduling time to meet with me; however, I will take you up on your offer and make other plans.

--Will

Was I mistaken to miss that meeting? I don’t think so. President Morris didn’t seem interested in answering my questions. And I didn’t really want to “fight”.

Friday morning, as I drove to work, I continued my prayer to the Lord for help. I needed help. I needed a new spirit. I needed humility. I needed forgiveness and a softened heart. I wanted peace and reconciliation. I wanted what is best for my family.

In that spirit, I wrote the stake president again:

Dear President Morris,

Perhaps I am mistaken. I would be most appreciative if you would identify for me the "false doctrine" you have alleged that I have “espoused and persisted in teaching...after having received counsel and correction by priesthood leaders.” This would be most helpful to me in either formulating any appeal I might make to the First Presidency or charting my future course of action, if repentance on my part is called for. (I have left my blog "active" to facilitate that process. Feel free to link to it and quote from it, as you deem necessary.)

I know you quoted from it at length during my disciplinary hearing. (My blog appeared to be the "basis" for your accusations against me.) What you did not do, however -- or what I did not hear you do -- is explain why you found fault with my writings. What, exactly, did I teach that was false? And upon what basis did you determine it to be so?

I would very much appreciate your citation of authoritative sources (including scriptural references, citations from Church history, the teachings of Joseph Smith, etc.) used to justify your determination that (whatever) I have taught (is) false doctrine. I am cognizant of the two scriptural verses you have cited thus far -- D&C 1:38 and 68:4 -- both of which suggest that that which is spoken, when one is moved upon by the Holy Ghost, is equivalent to scripture: the will, mind, word, and voice, even the power of God unto salvation. I couldn't agree more!

I would appreciate having the opportunity to review any other scriptures you have relied upon to justify excommunicating me, particularly those which are referential to the false doctrines and beliefs you claim I have "espoused and persisted in teaching". 

Neither of us is interested in a "scriptural debate". However the scriptures remain the authoritative basis for determining the truthfulness of all doctrine. True doctrine (given to the world) is supported by scripture. False doctrine is refutable by scripture. If I have taught anything false, it should be refutable by scripture, as Jesus demonstrated (ex: Matthew 4:3-4). If I have taught anything true -- but which shouldn't be given to the world -- it should not be supported by scripture, neither by published writings and histories of the Church, nor by the teachings of Joseph Smith.

Inasmuch as you have disciplined me for espousing and teaching false doctrine, I would be relieved to learn that (1) you erred in denouncing true teachings to be false, and/or (2) I erred in announcing false teachings to be true. Either condition is correctable. Perhaps we both made mistakes.

I hope each of us is humble and wise enough to admit our mistakes, if any, and do what is right.

With fondest regards,

--Will Carter

P.S. The continued faithfulness and activity in the Church of my wife and children are at stake. I pray you will take me up on my offer and provide the further "counsel and correction" I require. 

I leave it to the reader to discern the sincerity of that letter.

What would you expect to be the reply?

I was flabbergasted by his two-sentence response:

Dear Brother Carter:

We scheduled an appointment to meet with you on May 15, which you chose not to attend.  We invite you to meet with us so that we might again express our love and concern for you and your family, and counsel together about how you can be welcomed back into full fellowship with the Saints.

Sincerely, 

Matt Morris

I will admit, I spent the weekend in despair. The “icons” and "idols" of my faith – priesthood leaders, living “prophets”, the “true” church – were all crumbling before my eyes. It was not unlike the scene many beheld during the Lord’s “triumphal” entry into Jerusalem, what became His final week of mortal life. They watched Him die on the cross. Many presumed “all is lost”.

I have to admit, it has felt like that these past few weeks.

But I know how the story ends.

The Savior talked with two while they were in the way with Him along the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35). These men were confused, even doubtful, and perhaps still somewhat ignorant of all that had transpired in Jerusalem regarding the passion of the Christ. But they were sincere in wanting to know more, and they welcomed Him, this Stranger, into their conversation and their company. Clearly these men were followers of Christ.

He rebuked them (meekly calling them “fools” and “slow”), but cheered their hearts, nonetheless, by instructing them from the scriptures:

25 Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken:
26 Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his glory?
27 And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself.

This is how the Lord does things. He teaches the word. He uses the scriptures. And when He does, He teaches by the power of the Holy Ghost.

 32 And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures?

The scriptures are powerful for guiding us to the right spirit and the right understanding. My beloved brother “Log” buoyed my spirits this morning by quoting scripture to me, like the angel who comforted Christ in His distress (see Luke 22:43):

Will,

Do you remember what it is to be filled with light and love and the joy of the Lord?  Oh, why not then cry mightily to be so again?  And from thence will you not know precisely what to do, whether in or out of the Church?  

To be filled with light and love and joy, you will have to relinquish your just claims against your leaders - they will not admit their errors, neither could they make you whole even if they would admit their errors, and as long as you retain their wrongs against you, you cannot all dwell with God in happiness.  Forgive them, for they know not what they do.  If you would be as Christ, you must take your beating without murmuring, as Christ did - "not as I will, but as thou wilt."

                       

Doctrine and Covenants 136:31:

31 My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.


Doctrine and Covenants 101:1-5:

1 Verily I say unto you, concerning your brethren who have been afflicted, and persecuted, and cast out from the land of their inheritance—
 

2 I, the Lord, have suffered the affliction to come upon them, wherewith they have been afflicted, in consequence of their transgressions;

3 Yet I will own them, and they shall be mine in that day when I shall come to make up my jewels. 

4 Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.
 

5 For all those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.


Mosiah 3:19:

19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

He continued:

And I'm going to clarify here - it's not that you necessarily have done anything wrong.  Remember Job.  You are being tried in all things - the challenge before you is to keep the commandments of the Lord - see 3 Nephi 12.

JST, Matthew 16:27:

27 Break not my commandments for to save your lives; for whosoever will save his life in this world, shall lose it in the world to come.

Log added, perspicaciously: “And certainly don't break them for less.”

Take the blows. “Let it go.” Can you imagine the goodness of our God?! We frequently focus on the 39 lashes, or the punches to the face (when He was blindfolded!), or even His crucifixion.

But can you imagine the lifetime of blows He took without murmuring? Every insult. Every ridicule. Every misunderstanding. Every physical trespass. Every false accusation. Every undeserved blame. Every humiliation. Every argument He could have easily “won” – being more intelligent than us all – but which He quietly conceded.

He does not force His opinions or His will upon anyone. He is meek and lowly.

As Log wrote me last Friday: “The key to authority is to wield none.” Our Lord came as a servant, not a master. Those who would make themselves our masters are not His servants.

No wonder He is described as being so gentle and meek that He would not bend a bruised reed! (See Isaiah42:3.) Or quench the faintest ember! (See Matthew 12:20.) Knowing this, His making of a cord to overturn the tables of them that defiled His Father’s house seems all the more magnificent! In the defense of His Father, He roars as a lion!

I love our Savior. And in His honor, I’m putting down my sword. I’m dropping my weapons. In the words of Chief Joseph of the Nez Pierce, “I will fight no more forever.”

And I will forgive, that I might be forgiven.

May we all dwell with God together in happiness!